The Heart of The Jeweller

I always loved jewellery. It was so pretty. Precious metals and beautiful gems, artistically crafted into beautiful works of art designed to be bought by the consumer and given away as gifts – a token of appreciation, friendship and love.

I always wished that one day I might learn a little about the art of jewellery-making. I didn’t necessarily want to be a jeweller – I had no artistic ability within me, I thought. But just to know how to make a basic necklace or bracelet – was an aspiration I hid away in my heart for the longest of times.

Over the years as I began to discover my gifting as a crafter I made a few bits and pieces – here and there. It probably started at preschool with macaroni necklaces and fruit loop bracelets now that I look back at it. I certainly had fun passing those craft ideas to other children along the way too. As I learned to finger-knit, I was able to make a chain necklace. Later in Girl Guides we did all sorts of bits and pieces – macramé, bead-making and so on.

I feel in love with the Creation necklace that my friend brought back from a Scripture Union Beach Mission one year… It was a simple piece of leather thronging with five plastic beads on it – a green on to represent God’s creation, a black one to represent Eve’s sin and mankind’s fall from grace, a red one to represent Jesus’ sacrifice for us, a white one to represent how our acceptance of Jesus’ death for us could make us completely pure again and able to be restored to God’s presence once more and a final yellow (or gold as I have seen in later variations) one to represent the beauty of heaven and an eternity with God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit.

At one stage, I was even given one which I wore as a bracelet in my later high school years.

In my very first week of university I was date raped. And my world began to fall apart. Up until that point I had been the good Christian girl who ran the school ISCF group, sang with the worship team at church and loved Jesus with all her heart.

But in that moment of darkness, my soul was destroyed.

The precious virginity that I had so carefully guarded for my one true love had been stolen from me. I no longer valued myself. I no longer cared. I drifted in and out of sexual relationships – each time giving myself completely to my partner in the hope that he was truly THE ONE – that if I offered him this piece of myself – the most precious part, that just maybe he would see how special I was.

And then the unthinkable happened. I fell pregnant. And I lost the baby. Madeline. This was even more soul destroying than the rape. Death entered my radar for the first time in my life. Until that point in time I had watched my two dear grandmothers and a surrogate grandfather pass on into the loving arms of God. But this was different. My baby was dead and I was certain that it was my fault. If I hadn’t been so careless with myself, if I hadn’t offered what was only ONE PERSON’s so freely in the desperate search to find him, this would never have happened.

I died that day too. My heart became black and I had my first suicide attempt. I tried to throw myself out of a car traveling at 100km an hour…

Life slowly drifted back to normal. Within three months I had found THE ONE! We fell in love instantly and I freely gave all of myself to him.

And then the news – you’re pregnant. Again? No way! God what an awesome blessing! Thank you so much that you would entrust me with another soul! I don’t deserve it – how could I? Oh LORD!

I cried.

Then came the time to tell my partner.
He was horrified. We haven’t even finished our first year of uni – how on earth can we support a child?

What do you want me to do?

Have an abortion.

NO! I couldn’t do that. Do you know how precious life is? Do you know how much of a gift this is?

We can’t have a child now. I need to finish my degree – you need to as well.

What about adoption?

No – I couldn’t cope knowing that I had a child out there somewhere whose life I was not involved in. It has to be an abortion. My mum had one when she was at uni and she swears that it was the best thing that she ever did.

We will have kids – eventually. I promise! Let’s just finish uni first. Then you can get that house in Gordon that you have always wanted to restore and we can have a great life together with as many kids as you want.

OK

Not only did my soul die another death that day – but my baby died too. It was confirmed during the abortion procedure that he was already dead – that he died at 7 weeks old.

Oliver.

God slowly began a restoration process in my life shortly thereafter. My partner left me within a week of the abortion. He broke up with me at a New Year’s Eve party – and I proceeded to overdose on the closest available medication.

But beauty was brought from ashes. Within 13 months I had met my beautiful husband-to-be. We were married 12 months later and 12 months after that were blessed with the arrival of a little girl – Leah – faithful to the end. Hannah came next – the heart of a believer and then Caleb – the most peaceful child I have ever met.

Somewhere along the way however, I lost my joy. I lost my love of beauty. I lost my love of jewelry. It was something to accessorise with or to give away. I came to a place where all I would wear was my wedding rings – I didn’t believe that I deserved to wear such beautiful items. I only wore my wedding rings as a symbol of my love for my husband.

Then, just a little over a week ago, God whispered in my ear. I was on my way out the door with a friend for a girl’s night out… the first I had attended in over 12 months. She realised as we hopped into the car that she had forgotten to put up her necklace. I put my hand up to my neck. She asked if I would like to borrow something. I though – why not? I am going out for a girly night – why not be a little girly?

She brought back a beautiful, delicate necklace with beautiful pink gems and it fit perfectly. After sitting back and marveling at how well it suited me, God whispered in my ear…

See? Isn’t it pretty? Why don’t you believe that you deserve pretty? I made you and you are BEAUTIFUL! That is what I created you to be! You can wear pretty things – I want you to. It only enhances the beauty that I created within you.

Oh MY GOD! How much I love you!

-
Simply Fi